Deepshikha Katuri

Alone with the waves at the beach, a cat nestled on my lap, reading Kafka, and lighting a cigarette—it felt awful, yet maybe being all by yourself isn’t truly as dreadful as one might imagine? The rocky sand, the rhythmic crashing of the waves, and the moonlight dancing on the ocean provided an oddly comforting presence. But then again, maybe it wasn’t that dreadful after all, considering it was something I once yearned for. Nonetheless, the realization that things would never be the same again was truly awful to accept. The weight of that understanding settled heavily, reminding me of the irrevocable changes that life often brings.

Felt like echoes of the ocean.

23, Ferbruary, 2023.

You are a sunset, constantly changing colours, by it’s passing seconds, and whose only aftermath being darkness. I hate this, but damn sunsets are beautiful.

I like how everytime I come back home there’s something different. This time I came home with a major injury that has majorly effected me mentally and physically. I might have to go through a second surgery to function normally. I’ve always had injuries all the time but this time it is different.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and I came to the conclusion that it is what it is and I need to live in the moment and not take things too seriously cause honestly it’s not doing me any good. I’d rather deal with things one by one and still do what I want, life is too short to not to.

Also, I’m writing after a very long time cause I’ve been busy with work and applying for master’s, which is on hold right now. I got back to work today after almost more than a week and I realised I actually missed working cause my work is fun, it does get hectic sometimes but it’s all fun at the end of the day, I have a great team which I’m very thankful for. Anyways, I hope I get back to writing for my blog cause I forgot how I can let out things personally here which is therapeutic to me.

It’s a cold December night, my old ass bones know it better than I do. My son lets himself in my room and asks me what I wanted for dinner. “Biryani”, I say. He stares at me waiting for an intelligible sound, and after a few seconds asks again… “Amma, dinner?” “biryani and ask if they have mutton haleem”
“Who should I ask Amma? What should I ask for? Can you say that again?” I’m not listening, my mind has taken me back to impromptu Ramadan dinners at Shah Ghouse and ordering Bawarchi with mom, dad, and brother, after one too many vodkas, a smile greeted itself on my lips
“Why are you smiling amma?” “Can we go to Mozamjahi market one day ? it’s been a while since I saw those roads and lanes”. “Where Mumma?” I’ve never been. I look at him, the smile is gone replaced with a realization it’s called “Jai Ram Market” now. Never mind I’m not hungry anymore.

📍Kondapochamma, Pamulaparthi village

7:15 am : no colour. Loneliness tends to extract every ounce from the human

8:26 am : the colour of the walls we restrict ourselves in

9:05 am : maybe loneliness has no colour? It could be colour blind

11:30 am : it could be the colour we paint it with

12:00 pm : every colour that might remind us about the person that we’re trying to forget

12:45 pm : probably Van Gogh’s paintings?

1:20 pm : realised that loneliness has no colour cause colours make us happy

9:00 am : I’ve nothing to do but I’ve an alarm set to soak myself in the morning sunlight and stop hiding from it at some point

11:00 am : maybe today is the day my sadness will take a leave from me

3:00 pm : running to the balcony cause I heard parrots chirping

4:00 pm : feeling extremely nauseous and almost fainted in the bathroom

5:00 pm : convincing myself that I can manage

7:00 pm : watching the sky change it’s colours

9:00 pm : playing with the street dogs and forgetting about the reality

11:00 pm : completely exhausted from my heart convincing me about being emotionally imbalanced and my brain trying to convince me that people are like sunsets

12:00 am : I run away from places that I love the moment they begin to hurt me, does that make me weak or rather just human?

feels like I’m on a hamster wheel

1:20 pm : I had a missed call from someone I haven’t spoken to in a long time and I have a rush of worst possibility thoughts thinking why they called and I cannot figure it out until I call them back.

6:15 pm : I remember the shade of the pink sky the day he had his ‘big match’ but I legit cannot remember what I had for my breakfast this morning and literally nothing makes any sense to me anymore. I’ve managed to chew off my nails short and now I’m wondering if my mom would yell at me for biting my nails in the evening

7:00 pm : I’ve been thinking about cutting my hair and almost once decided to cut my hair short on an impulse. I’m not generally an impulse person and I think, I might regret it and I can remember everything else that I can possibly regret and I also think about what I’m forgetting to regret.

In bed

12:25 AM : I think I forgot to lock the door and windows even though I double checked, tripple checked and I know that they’re locked.

3:33 AM : I’m replaying an argument that I’ve had with one of my closest friends and I just figured what I should’ve said then and now I’m under my blanket pondering over all the arguments I could’ve been right about.

But. But. But. What if I’m wrong about all my thoughts?

For over five months, thousands of Belarusians are protesting across the country over disputed elections which took place on 9th of August this year after which Alexander Lukashenko, Europe’s longest servings leader, claimed to have become the President for the sixth time. He has ruled the country of more than 9million population since 1994. Many people like factory workers and police officers have gone on strike to join the protests against the election results.

The election commission announced that he had taken 80.23% of the votes while his opposition, Svetlana Thikhanovskaya, who has held some of the country’s largest political rallies had only 9.9% of the votes.

On 17th of November it was marked as the 100day Anniversary of protests in the country. Belarusians are seen carrying the red and white flags and are taking the protests forward after gathering near their residential areas.

Around 25,000 people have been detained, including 300 students and at least 315 journalists and 750 others have been subjected to torture or other ill treatment during the Peaceful protests they’re all facing police violence. The protests are continuing despite the violent crackdown by the security forces.